David Mitchell

I mean, we’re halfway there. We have the climate and rugged coastline. We have Viking museums and moody crime dramas. We like dairy and woolen jumpers.

With just a little more effort, we could totally qualify. All we need to do is…

Wash

I was in Copenhagen recently with the family and concluded that they must have an army of citizen power-washers who come out every night after dark and blast everything in sight. There was no other explanation. Ireland needs power-washed.

Get outside

The Irish spend a lot of time cowering inside complaining about the weather. Let’s get outside and complain about the weather. Denmark is cosy and happy with hygge, but is not beautiful like Ireland. We have that, so let’s gear-up and enjoy it. Perhaps on functioning public transport. Or a bicycle. On a proper cycle lane. That’s clean…  

Copenhagen’s cool clean metro

Build saunas

Also outdoor bathing areas, hot pools, and so on. They’re good for you, they warm you up, and they’re a social hub. The Finns and Swedes have zillions of saunas. They shouldn’t be a luxury. But let’s keep our clothes on.

Speaking of which…

Dress better

Ditch the fast fashion for quality, weather-appropriate attire.

Wise up

Finally, the Nordic peoples seem to grasp that to maintain a pleasant society, you have to not be an idiot. For instance, I have no idea if Nordics throw milkshakes out of car windows, but that’s the kind of thing I imagine they don’t do and we do do. We have work to do here.

And that’s it. Do these – and be less right wing and more social democratic – and we’ll be as Nordic as gravlax smørrebrød. Easy!